“So why were you depressed?” the Nigerian doctor asked me yesterday when I went for my appointment.

“Well, I’m not saying I don’t have a proclivity toward it, but I was in grad school, stressed…”

“Ah, yes,” shaking his head, “that is very common.”

The truth is, of course, that it was much more than that.  I don’t regret my years in seminary at all (in fact, now that I am back in the area, I’ve been auditing a few classes). And I don’t even mean to sound cynical in this post, but I realize that it might come across that way regardless. The thing is, I learned much more during those five years than I ever imagined I would. Most of it, however, was not in the classroom.

I was there for the Counseling and Biblical Studies, and those programs were unparalleled anywhere else. I say ‘were,’ however, because the school is now unraveling at the seams, sadly becoming even more narrowly focused than it was before, and the professors (and administrators) I loved the most are being squeezed out. When people ask about what is going on, I find it easiest to answer, “one part theology, two parts politics,” and just leave it at that. It is difficult to explain to outsiders what the issues are and why they are worth splitting an entire seminary over. So politics in Christian circles – lesson #1.

I say that the school is becoming “more narrow than before,” because by my standards (and I would argue by Biblical standards), it was already too conservative, and being one of the few women on campus was an experience in itself. I can’t say I have ever been in a setting where I felt so unappreciated and oppressed. Let me taper that by saying that I only surrounded myself with other women and stellar guys, many of whom are still good friends of mine to this day, but overall, I felt very stifled by the campus ethos. By the end of my five years there, my heart was so heavy I could hardly get a pulse on God’s purpose in my life, even though I was already on my way to the mission field. In the worst of my depression, there were even some courses that I took for credit, but never attended simply because I felt so incredibly marginalized as I sat through them. And then there were the guys I tried to date. Those experiences were so short, but really incurred maximum damage for me, I think because they just embodied everything that I had been sensing already. So feeling the numbness of oppression for the first time in my life – lesson #2.

How has this been helpful to me? I have learned more than ever how to be firm in my beliefs, beliefs that are grounded in the Biblical worldview, and a hope grounded in the Lord. Not many at my seminary would see things the way I do, however, so in many ways that surrounding environment was the cocoon I had to wrestle through to finally be the woman God has created me to be (though continually a work in progress). This effect has spilled over into the rest of my life as well, and in many ways I feel as though I’ve been waking up from a foggy dream, even in formulating my values as they relate to politics, for example. Is it possible to be an evangelical Christian and have strong sympathies for a liberal or progressive American system of government?  I not only believe so, but, again, for me these leanings are rooted in a worldview grounded in Scripture. So learning to trust God enough to jump – lesson #3.

“You will have no time to spare,” said the Lion. “That is why I must send you at once. Come. Walk before me to the edge of the cliff…Here on the mountain I have spoken to you clearly; I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain, the air is clear and your mind is clear; as you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take care it does not confuse your mind.”
~Aslan to Jill Pole in The Silver Chair